Super Staff
by LittleMagenta
Summary: I’ve been blessed, baby. Blessed. And now I’m gonna make you pay for all the times you pissed me off. For all the times you swam in my pool, or stole my pants, or screwed with my lawn, or put eyeballs all over my freakin’ body. I’m gonna GIVE YOU DEATH!


"Go on. Touch it. A genie will come out and grant you three wishes."

"Oh yeah? Well if there's really some wish-grantin' genie in there, why don't _you_ touch it?"

"I already did. Two weeks ago. You can't do it more than once."

"I think you're lyin'."

"Meatwad, if I'm lying, squirrels will come flying out of my ass. NOW SUMMON THE GENIE!"

"Oh, all right, if you say so…AUGH! Aw, what da HELL, yo! You fuckin' son of a bitch, you _lied_ to me!"

"OHOHOHO, YOU _IDIOT_! I mean, excuse me, do you see any squirrels flying out of my ass?"

"Well, no, but…"

"AHA. There are no flying ass-squirrels, therefore I did not lie. This one's just defective. Follow me! We'll go find another one."

Meatwad shot one ugly glare at the power outlet that had shocked him, and rolled his beefy body along behind Master Shake.

"Now just what in the hell do you guys think you're doing?"

Shake's face fell as the large box of French fries floated dauntingly overhead.

"Oh, great," he said quietly to himself, "here comes the Fun Nazi. HEY, FRYMAN! I was just taking the little guy here on a tour of the house…"

"Master Shake is showin' me the genies in the power outlets!" Meatwad interrupted.

Frylock's eyes narrowed. "Oh no you are _not_!"

"Ohh, come on! He's so sheltered. If _I_ don't teach him about the world, who will?"

"Why don't you two go play outside."

"But Frylock, the genies – !"

"GO OUTSIDE." He ushered Shake and Meatwad out the door, slamming it behind them. "_Damn_."

Outside, the sun was shining, sprinklers were feeding lawns, and the sound of leaf blowers tormented the ear. Master Shake and Meatwad stood on their lawn, now bored and at a loss of things to do.

"Man, it sure it hot out here," Meatwad observed aloud. "I wish I had me some popsicles right about now."

"WE CAN'T AFFORD POPSICLES, DUMMY!" Shake slammed Meatwad on the head with his straw.

"OW!"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, THE FREAKIN' CIRCUS?"

"You better watch it, boy, I'll smack you up!"

"Ohoho, oh yeah? You and what _arms_, buddy?"

Before the two could jump on each other and become lost in a rolling mass of paper, plastic, and beef, the lights all flickered off in Carl's house. Seconds later, the curtains closed.

"Hey!" Shake said, brightening. "Why don't we go to Carl's?"

"For what?"

"You said you wanted popsicles, didn't you? Don't you watch TV? The neighbors _always_ have popsicles!"

Meatwad recoiled. "Yeah, and dead men in their freezers!"

"THAT WAS TV, NOT REAL LIFE. Now _come on_!"

And so the two walked the couple of feet from their lawn to Carl's house. Not to leave Frylock out of the story, while all of this was happening, he was in the living room watching Oprah. And for those of you who haven't seen the movie…that was a joke.

Back to Shake and Meatwad. Since they weren't _completely_ stupid, they knew that there was no way Carl would welcome them into his home with open arms. Therefore, they decided to sneak into the basement. They rolled/bounced/however it is that they move around to the back of the house, pushed a basement window open, and slid inside.

Well, Meatwad had no problem.

Shake, on the other hand…

"Meatwad…! We have a problem!"

"Yeah, I see it. _You're_ too _fat_."

"I am a perfect weight for my height, thank you! Now help me get in here!"

"How?"

"You are _completely_ useless!"

"Yeah, well at least I – "

* * *

Frylock sat in front of the TV.

"Yeeeah…"

* * *

Back at Carl's, Meatwad and Shake stood in the basement of Car's house, plotting their next move. How Shake ended up getting through the window I don't now, and you shouldn't care. All you need to care about is the fact that they were now in the basement.

"Okay. Now we just have to get upstairs and into his kitchen without him noticing us."

"Hey, here's a light!"

"No, Meatwad, DON'T – "

The light came on, harsh and bright, illuminating boxes and boxes of who knows what, discarded candy bar wrappers, and the bones of a hooker over in the corner.

"Who-ho-hoooa, what do we have here!" Shake slid over to the skeleton, his eyes half-lidded and his expression sly. "How _you_ doin', baby?"

"Master Shake, the popsicles…"

"Can you not see that I'm getting laid over here?"

Before either one of them could speak, there came the unmistakable sound of heavy footsteps, and then a voice…

"Hey…! HEY! What are you two doin' in my _FREAKIN'_ BASEMENT?"

Shake pushed the skeleton away, sending it clattering to the ground. "CARL! It…it's not what it looks like! She came on to _me_!"

"Yeah," Meatwad said, smiling. "We only wanted a few of your popsicles."

"_Popsicles_? Who told you anything about _popsicles_, heh?"

"Well, don't you watch TV, Carl?" Meatwad said. "You're our neighbor, and the neighbors _always_ have popsicles. It's the rule, you see."

"Oh yeah? Well it's also a rule that people beat intruders in their basement over the head with garden tools."

Master Shake gasped, whipped around, and began throwing himself against the wall underneath the basement window.

"Run, Meatwad, run! Quick! He's gone crazy!" As he threw himself against the wall once more, he slammed into a loose brick, pushing it back into place and leaving a dent in his paper-plastic body. "Owww!"

All of a sudden, the area around the brick began to glow. The glowing expanded until it formed the shape of a door in the wall. Shake screamed and leapt back. Carl was just _pissed_.

"Aww, now what the hell is that? What the hell did you just do? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS TO ME, JESUS _FREAKIN'_ CHRIST!"

The glowing engulfed the wall and the bricks disappeared altogether. Carl continued on his furious tirade.

"_Now_ what the hell is happenin'? I'm gonna _KILL_ YOU, ya damn freak show! You _better _run home, 'cause I swear I am _comin'_ for your ass after _this_ one, Shake!"

Where bricks were once stacked neatly atop one another, there now stood a midget in a purple robe. He held a long, extravagant golden staff which was easily four times a long as his own body.

"WHOOO IS THE ONE WHO HAS DISTURBED MY SLUMBER?" the midget said in a surprisingly booming voice.

Carl pushed Shake forward. "_Him_. It was _him_, thanks."

"NOOO!"

"…FOR WHOEVER IT WAS THAT HAS AWOKEN ME SHAL RECEIVE A GIFT BEYOND THEIR WILDEST DREAMS."

Shake's eyes lit up, and he looked about to say something, but Carl knocked him away.

"OH. Well in that case, it was me. Seeing how, you know, your little doggie bed there was in _my_ house."

"LOWLY HUMAN," the midget said, thrusting the staff out in front of him, "I BESTOW UPON YOU THIS STAFF. TAKE IT. CARESS IT. FEEL ITS MAGNIFICENT HARDNESS AND – "

"All right, man, don't get all homosexual on me. Just gimme the fuckin' staff."

He reached out and snatched it from the midget, immediately becoming engulfed in a purple glow so powerful you could _hear_ the power radiating from it. Carl ran his hands up and down the staff, amazed.

"Ohh, baby. Ohh yeah. I can feel he power."

Meatwad raised his eyelids just a little bit. "Yeah, and who's being homosexual _now_?"

"REMEMBER, WITH GREAT POWER COMES GR – "

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Carl pointed the end of the staff at the midget man, sending out a surge of power that caused him to explode in a giant spray of blood and organs.

"Holy bejeezus," Meatwad said, his eyes wide open. "You just _killed_ that dude!"

"Yes. Yes I did. AND YOU'RE GONNA BE NEXT, YOU MEATY MOTHERFUCKER!"

Carl fired the staff in all directions, laughing maniacally as Shake and Meatwad ran back and forth, shrieking at the top of their lungs.

* * *

Frylock was in his room reading Vogue when he heard the screams. He stashed the magazine just as the door opened and slammed shut. Shake and Meatwad ran in, breathless, but still managing to yammer unintelligibly.

"What the hell is goin' on here?" Frylock demanded to know, quickly becoming pissed off.

"QUICK, FRYLOCK, UNDER THE BED!" Shake dove to the ground and rolled, obviously not fitting underneath the bed. Not nearly. "Carl's gone _crazy_!"

"What do you mean, 'Carl's gone crazy'?"

Before Shake could answer, the door was completely blown off. Wood splintered, plaster fell, and when the dust cleared, there stood Carl, holding the staff like the menacing weapon it was.

"And _now_…all your asses are _mine_!"

Frylock's eyes widened. "Ohhh my god. Carl…what happened to you?"

"I've been blessed, baby. I've been blessed. And now I'm gonna make you pay for all the times you pissed me off. For all the times you swam in my pool, or stole my pants, or screwed with my lawn, or put eyeballs all over my freakin' body. I'm gonna GIVE YOU _DEATH_!"

Meatwad, Frylock, and Shake dove for cover as round after round of lazer beams exploded all around the room. Within seconds the walls were riddled with burn holes and the computer was on fire.

"CARL!" Shake shouted desperately. "This isn't the answer!"

"Yeah, man, please don't kill us!" Meatwad pleaded.

It stopped all at once and so suddenly, the three didn't know what to make of it. Was it all a trick? Was Carl just waiting for them all to poke their heads out so that he could get a clearer shot?

"Heheheh…"

They exchanged concerned glances at the sound of the laugh.

"You know somethin', Shake? You're right. It'd be pretty stupid of me to kill ya."

"Oh yeah?" Shake said, rising to his metaphorical feet.

"Yeah. I'm not gonna kill you."

"Then what _are_ you gonna do?"

Carl grinned. "I'm gonna make all o' you my slaves."


End file.
